God is in the details. Whoever said this, first? I’m sure it is a paraphrase of scripture, but really, such a clear reminder usually comes in my chaos. When I most need a clear reminder. When I need it to bounce around in my head, my heart, settle into my soul, if only I stop moving long enough to listen. But my God knows sitting still is a great challenge for me so He lets the message rumble in my frantic body. “Be still and Know that I am God”, another favorite. So I sit for about 5 minutes and meditate and then see that one cup in the sink, the one branch hanging lower than the rest. And I begin moving again.
Yet both messages have gently soaked into me, encouraging me. Each tree I trim, each load of laundry I wash, I realize we have been preparing for this step for a very long time. God was in these details, so very many details, that it becomes a waterfall of support, washing away anxiety. In the past, we rested on fear and allowed her mental illness to dictate the steps we would take. What we didn’t know is that for almost 4 years, we were building a support system, a very public record. God knew though. He knew that one day we would just get tired, one day we would say, “Enough”. And He knew that all of our practice in setting limits, having boundaries, and creating a safe place was to prepare us. As I reflect on each hard thing of the past several years and I see what is ahead, I realize how God is going to use that. Testifying in court already, all the pictures, all the meetings, things we just didn’t want to do. Traveling around the world, seeing real need and poverty has reminded me of the made-up dramas here. Of the ways we hurt each other because we have time and food and clothing. We don’t have to use our last bit of energy to bring water to our shack. God has given me perspective. When I think this fight will kill me, this ache and worry will be the end of me, when before I would have laid down, now I rise up and am ready to stop the nonsense once and for all. We have a choice to live like this or to live like that. Others aren’t so blessed and how God must shake His head at us when we just don’t get it. So now I chose to purposefully live our life and provide a life for our whole family, that is rich in love, safety and consistency. The seeds have already been sown. Time to begin the harvest.
Ultimately, we cannot make someone be who we want them to be. God knows I just can’t be still, but I have learned to listen and Know that He is in all those details. All the steps are coming together for a really tough next few months. And then…well, I am trusting that to God as well.