Mom still

 

We watched her take her last breath, held her hand and played music as she crossed over, 4 years ago today.  Still so fresh in my memory, a memory that seems to be failing more and more.  The constant in my life was gone.  Such a complicated relationship, she was a complicated woman.  Her life was never easy, time has given me the chance to forgive and the distance to see her with more forgiveness and grace.

I think of all that she has missed and would delight in.   She would love my grandson, her great granddaughters.  She would see the similarities in us, would tell stories that I have forgotten.  She would be so proud of my brother in all that he has accomplished, would grow ever closer to my sister-in-law, whom she adored.  My husband, whom she loved to tease, had an easier rapport with her, something I was slightly jealous of sometimes.  She took comfort in our love for each other.  She would have loved to hear about our trips and our dogs would bring her immense pleasure.  To hear that her granddaughter is living on her own in Indianapolis, working, rescuing dogs, Mom would have been secretly envious and oh so proud.  The trip my sister-in-law just took would have reminded her of times the 3 of us went, the laughs we had.  She would love the closeness we still share.

But she has also been spared much pain.  I can’t imagine telling her about Stella, I just can’t.  It would break her heart.  And if Stella cut her off too, which I imagine would have inevitably happened, the pain would have been even greater for me.  Arrow’s relapse would have hurt her deeply, reminding her of her own son that just was too far out of reach.  Another grandson on the fringe would have caused great worry.

I understand that it was her time.  I still just want to show her pictures and tell her what I ate and tell her what my dogs did today.  I want to tell her that I love her and that I am glad she is spared the pain of this world but I sure wish she could share in our joy. I want her to see the videos my niece makes and watch my grandson build legos.  I want to talk recipes again.  After all this time, I still miss my mom.

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