How dare the sun shine today? How thoughtless of the birds to sing on this morning, flitting around our trees as if my heart wasn’t broken. My elusive cat chose this day to arch her back and chris-cross through my ankles, purring expectantly, as if I had anything to give to her.  My yellow lab, 100 lbs now, wants on my lap, requesting rub downs, covering me in dog kisses that do little to alter my mood.  Can’t anyone see I don’t want to be here, I only want to be in Nebraska, away from them all, under different rays of this sun? Yet they don’t leave me, reminding me of needs: cat food bowls and bird feeders that need refilling, balls that need throwing, plants that require water.

Try as I might to ignore the angels God has sent to make this day bearable, I have to delay my tears until everyone is fed, played with, fed again, until maybe by the end, my tears are not needed.  Today hurts but God sent some balm for a grandmother’s aching soul.  I will make our cupcakes, plant our tree, tend to those who depend on me while my mind drifts to a little girl celebrating her 2nd birthday not knowing she has more family who love her. Maybe I wasn’t a great mom but I rock as a grandma, I hope to show her one day.  Second chances, a new start.  Wouldn’t that be an awesome gift to give your child, a grandma?

Today hurts.  How dare the sun shine.