Fresh Start

My tree didn’t get delivered on time, the Pink Princess flowering crabapple not available here. Our landscaper traveled out of state to get one not knowing my sanity hinged on planting that tree yesterday. I had a carefully constructed plan to control the day marking my granddaughter’s second birthday but it fell apart and then I did.

I couldn’t find the energy to make cupcakes, the thought of them sitting on the counter uneaten too sad.  I went to the store, bought 6 brightly colored ones, 12 mini strawberry pink ones, then went to the wine aisle.  The devil met me there and offered me vodka to mix with my orange juice.  At home, still with nothing to push the tears out, I pushed the mower instead, following the lines, sweat dripping, eyes still dry. The backyard is large, I refreshed with oj and vodka, again and again, until my lines were blurred and I realized I was stumbling.  Having not eaten all day, my body had nothing but self-loathing to absorb this toxic mess.  Punishment on this already punishing day.  As I stared down the bottom of the toilet bowl, I asked myself, “Ok, are we done yet? Are we done wallowing? Are we done making this day about us and our pain?”  I gave the day my every thought, my whole heart and now even the contents of my stomach.  Enough. Overindulgence in any form is ugly, self-pity looking back at me as I wiped my face, brushed my teeth, I saw just how ugly I had let the day become.

Today, I am serving up grace to myself.  Forgiveness for the horrible mess I made of yesterday, a promise to seek God in the midst of pain instead of vodka, thankfulness for a fresh start. The birds are singing, the sun is shining, today is new.  Today I will remember my husband who came home and fed me last night, led me on a walk with the dogs, issued no admonishments for my inebriated state.  I will remember my friend who offered grace when I missed our walking date, one I had asked for, telling me to be gentle with myself.  Today I am seeing the grace that surrounded me yesterday, too blind with hurts to notice.  Thank you God for fresh days, fresh starts, fresh eyes. Although I don’t deserve it, I accept this new day and promise not to waste it.  I will blow bubbles, appreciate the breeze, eat some lunch.

My oj is pure, my soul less so.  This messy heart is grateful for another day to start over.

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