Inner Chamber

Matthew 6:6 But you, when you pray, enter into your inner chamber, and having shut your door, pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly.

Because no one else was available, I was invited to attend an ultrasound yesterday. My not daughter-in-law, who is carrying not my son’s child, asked me to go and of course I said yes. This relationship has murky boundaries. I am not the grandma of this little girl on the way but I am of her brother. While I will have no claim to her, I have a responsibility to my Plum and to God to see that she has the advantages and the love grandma’s give. If family is a messy business, we may be the CEOs of a disaster corporation. I just keep following the mantra that I have to love who God brings and sort out the details later. Thus I went to the ultrasound. Initially I was a bit emotionally removed, holding back because I knew that I would not be holding this baby right away, that my claims to her would be secondary. I probably won’t have a brag book and won’t be notified of her firsts.  Or maybe I will. Murky. I don’t want to get too attached. I do have to protect my heart. The last ultrasound I watched was with my own granddaughter who I only visit during slumber. Raw ache revisited as I start this process again. Thus I stayed aware of my role: supportive detachment.

I held mama’s hand and watched the technician slide the wand over her belly, finding baby’s face, her hands, her feet. I praised God for His wondrous works, for giving mama another healthy child. Then the wand found the heart. Four beating chambers and I came undone. Tears streamed down my face, I watched this movement and knew God. I felt His Holiness. Why not with her beautiful little nose? Those tiny hands that waved? The baby bottom that wiggled in the womb? Those feet, those lips? None impacted me so greatly, so deeply as watching her heart, those 4 chambers. The wonder of it still makes me weak. I know that I will hold little Miss and whisper to her the moment I fell in love with her. The moment I saw God in her. I will whisper that I have seen her heart and it is God and it is good and great things are waiting for her. I will whisper these things as I sing her to sleep whenever I get the chance, if I get the chance. I will remind her of this as she gets older. I will be the one who is maybe not her grandma but my Plum will share so I can be her something.

Families are messy. Please don’t ask for details about how anyone is connected. Ultimately we have one Father. He is sorting out the rest.  Maybe someday when she is wondering just who she is she will come to me. I can tell her she is surely a child of God. I saw it with my own eyes. In the meantime, we will love who God brings, curse our lack of boundaries when we get hurt, and maybe buy a little photo book. When you see God, you save those pictures.

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