God is Pursuing Me

“Sit with it.” Not something I practice, not something that ever comes out of my mouth. I swing from frenzied activity to paralyzed avoidance, rarely taking time to consider and ponder. Being in the moment has always been a chore for me, I don’t often like the moment until it has passed and I can reflect on it from a safe distance. Yet I have heard this phrase repeatedly from trusted friends near and far several times this week and I think beyond all their other wise words, this message is coming from the Holy Spirit. I can see God saying, “Well, she won’t listen to me, how about if we bombard her from all directions.  I know, let’s have each friend whisper, write, chant, sing, mention this phrase to her. Surely to Me, she will pick up on it.”  That is how God talks in my mind.  My friends all do a better job listening to God so they snuck the words in and I have indeed heard them, all week. Well done, everyone. But I still don’t really want to sit. Like a petulant child, I resist.

When I think about sitting, I get anxious. Activity means I don’t have to go too deeply into my thoughts, I can focus on what is right in front of me. In fact there is so much in front of me I can avoid all that is deep inside of me for great periods of time. Yet God seems to want me to allow some space for those inside things, He is working overtime to get my attention and ask that I give attention to SOMETHING. This is scary, I avoid those things for a reason, for many reasons. I have many compartments where I store yucky things, neatly labeled and out of reach. I like my system. God apparently is challenging my organization of all things icky and uncomfortable and not suitable for company. He is telling me to sit with somethings, get calm with some uncomfortableness, quiet down in the midst of the noise. I can certainly identify a great deal of distractions and noise, getting to the underlying gunk is harder. I don’t want to wander into those areas alone.  A trust fall in to the arms of God, while sounding amazing, plays out more like a doubt tumble under the covers while I binge watch Gilmore Girls and eat pop tarts.  Still, God is pursuing me and I can’t ignore Him anymore. To do so would be rude to my friends. Unacceptable.

I am committing to intentionally sitting with ‘it” for about 20 minutes each day, I don’t think I can handle longer. I will not touch my phone, read a book, complete any chores. I am going to sit somewhere and just be. This could produce disastrous results, I may go absolutely crazy. Conversely, I may find light shines into places I have spent entirely too much energy hiding. I may just doze off. Stay tuned for amazing insights and incredible spiritual growth, or another report on how I tried to control how God works in me. Sigh. This being open thing is tough. I’m going to sit with that.

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