I have a friend who teases me sometimes about riding out a zombie apocalypse, she questions my ability to survive. As an extremely non-violent person, I have little chance apparently, fortunately she has offered to protect me. What I have come to understand though is that I am already a survivor, I have the skill set needed to withstand all that comes at me, I have been practicing nearly my entire life. Every day up to this one has prepared me for the worst that could happen, the loss of my child and the darkness that would ensue. I found my safe space not in a bunker filled with bottled water and canned goods but in a family of faith, open and light-filled, the fresh breath of the Holy Spirit breezing through the open windows of my soul. those who freely offer grace and forgiveness, who have listened to my fears, my shame, my heartaches and still usher me into their sanctuary, these light-bringers invited me into the Kingdom and asked me to call it home.
An advantage of making as many public mistakes as I have is that you cannot run from the truth, it is all out there. The choice is to live in shame and the judgement of others or rise up. Accountability and atonement are my guiding principals, seeking the next right thing and making hard choices that are not in my best interests or even what my heart yearns for, these skills have served me well and are leading me back into the fold. Beyond what I would desire, I will survive this grief and the pain because I have been preparing for this my whole life. I am a survivor. In fact for many years I merely survived, I existed. I eased through each day making as few waves as possible, standing in the shadows, silent and grateful for the crumbs of joy that entered my soul, I was a zombie. Then God said, “Enough.” I was washed of shame and offered transformation and a full life in the Light. I accepted, not realizing that very act would prepare me for the greatest loss of my life. That building of trust with others who share my faith and guide me to restoration are all I need to withstand attacks from evil worse than any zombie.
This spat that I have been having with God changed over the course of a weekend, when I lost a filling in a tooth and then caught the stomach bug that has been circling around our community and then found a comment on this blog that was absolutely cruel. Physical agony that compounded my soul ache, utter helpless that sent me to my knees pushed me where I was meant to go with my broken heart. I had time to think, no puzzles and crocheting and feverish house cleaning to keep me distracted. Finally it occurred to me that I couldn’t blame God for not saving Arrow, He had done so too many times before, Arrow had been protected and rescued countless times, I know of those exact moments that God interceded on this child’s behalf. Arrow chose not to cherish that intervention, to see what more he was and stay in the Light. As clarity came about fault and blame and accountability, I found God hovering patiently, waiting for my confession for doubting HIs love. I needed more though, to allow God to be off the hook. It came in the form of insight from my daughter, from Stella, shared cruelly from one who wished to cause harm. Yes, you read that correctly.
As I read the words of my daughter, the first insight into this estrangement, the first communication that gave insight into her thinking, I became free. That which was meant for harm God turned into good. Of course the missive was ugly yet it brought total clarity as I realized just like my son, my daughter is choosing to use and others are supporting her destructive habit. Rather than substances, she is consumed with hate and distortions and twisting of truth in order to maintain this estrangement. I recognized for the first time, IT IS NOT ME! Just as I couldn’t stop Arrow from sliding back into the darkness but provided him with every resource to choose a different life, so I am not responsible for my daughter’s graceless existence even as I recall that she was raised in the faith where forgiveness, atonement and grace are practiced. Genesis 50:20 comes to mind: 19But Joseph said to them, “Do not be afraid, for am I in God’s place? 20“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive. Yes, I am going to survive this and continue seeking what direction God is leading me, I certainly cannot do that and maintain my fight with him.
As the chains broke loose, as I realized evil was trying to push me away from God, I chose instead to live, to more than survive, to reenter a lasting full relationship with the One who had been mourning the loss of me, who was hurt by our separation. As a friend prayed with me, I heard her speak of God mourning and the last brick in my wall crumbled. I had hurt God by turning my back and He was mourning my loss. How could I as a mother awash in grief inflict that on anyone, especially the One who had interceded before, who was with my child in the final moments, who lost His own son and who cried at the wasted life of mine son? Who would ever choose to add to another’s pain, who would intentionally bring dissension and hurtful words to one already aching? I cannot be that person, I cannot treat God this way. I am called to seek reconciliation. Thus I confessed to God my sin and my sorrow. And I began to rise. In accepting that God was mourning me, I couldn’t deny that I was WORTH mourning, that my life holds value and meaning. Mind blowing stuff that destroys the evil that has attempted to overtake me. The ugly words, at the attacks on my right to grieve the loss of my son, the horror of how my son’s death was handled, all banished as the dirty work of the evil one. The Truth and the Light prevailed.
The distractions of evil that have swirled around the loss of my son are gone, I am left with the freedom to mourn, to grieve, to celebrate Arrow’s life and to ache over the death of my child. I have survived the plague of iniquity, the zombies are banished. No special weapons, no stockpiles of blankets and flashlights, I did it with my first-aid kit, one filled with the Holy Spirit and the Truth. Love and grace from the children of God who battled alongside me showed me the relentlessness of God as they tended my wounds and shared their oxygen. Indeed, I am a survivor and I am even more. I don’t really know what zombies could bring but my heart isn’t troubled by that worry. God and I are on speaking terms again, together we are in mourning and we are healing, one breath at a time.