I stumbled upon something I had written 5 years ago yesterday which stopped me in my tracks. Reliving the moment was delightful but realizing I was still struggling with some of the same concerns was quite unsettling.
I got my first hug from Plum two days ago. I had forgotten really what that feels like, what it means. A show of affection from a toddler is the purest form of love that I have ever experienced. I wasn’t expecting it, wasn’t asking for it and it just happened, caught me off guard. He has been kissing a bit but I was the last to get one of those. They are coming more freely and spontaneously and are often accompanied by tidbits of whatever he is eating. I don’t even mind the transference of cherrios to my mouth or the smear of yogurt to my cheeks, I just love that he loves.
As I relive this hug, the feel of his tiny head resting willingly on my shoulder, his whole body giving in to the moment, I understand what it means to surrender. Anything I had left, I have given up. I love this child with everything in me and now he has completely taken my heart. I keep trying to reserve some, because I know there is so much hurt in the future for us, but there is no point holding out. We just have to surrender and let go.
I have been struggling with the Let Go and Let God plan for years. I let go, take back in repeated fashion or allow Him to have certain parts of my life while I manage (poorly) others. Right now my heart is aching over the trouble my son has gotten into, the huge legal mess he has created and the fear that this still won’t stop his drug use. My heart is breaking over mama who just wants someone to love her and chases the wrong ones, hoping someone will fill that void. Watching these two young parents try to grow up and into the roles of adults is horrible reality tv that I can’t turn off. They have minimal ability to guide this young mind into the world and yet here is he. When will he become their everything?
So as my heart is breaking every minute of everyday, worrying about these two and what will become of them, for the baby’s sake at the very least… I got a hug: a pure fleeting reminder to surrender. A reminder to just give in to God’s love and let Him hold me and love me. His faithfulness is not elusive like a toddler’s kiss. I don’t have to earn it or seek it. It is just there for me. So my plan is to just keep loving this baby and delighting in his everything, relishing his love and laughter. He knows that I am his safe place, I am his grandma. The rest is just too big for us to fix, we are leaving it to God. We have Cherrios to eat.
We made it through the legal mess to the other side, mama is involved with a young man who truly cares about Plum, there is a new baby on the way. These young people have grown up, grown into better versions of themselves. Yet, still I worry, get caught up in the day to day struggles of surrendering my life to God. Reviewing how far they have come and seeing I have maybe not grown so much is illuminating, convicting. Plum’s hugs and kisses come freely unless it is time to board the bus at which point being cool is more important. His eyes implore me to understand. I do. I know his love is forever, just as my God loves me always. I patiently wait for the next show of affection, treat it as the treasure it is. How much more is my Father waiting for my surrender, my complete relinquishing of my worries and fears? How much more does He treasure my affection?
The God who brought us through 5 years worth of minutes, seconds, of fear, worry about the future is waiting for me. The better version of me that just lets go. Today I am filled with the desire to hug God, to be held and glory in His faithful pursuit of me, the child sometimes too cool to publicly acknowledge HIm.